Category Archives: Time

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Today I’m 50 – Now What? Maybe Write a Book!

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I recall as a kid being really excited about birthdays. What was not to love? My friends and family made a big deal out the fact that on that date some number of years before, I made my exit from one environment into another. I was the center of attention on that day each year. There were presents, there was cash, there were games, there was singing, and best of all, there was cake. Let them eat cake! What a great thing.

At some point in my adolescence I stopped getting so excited about birthdays. As an adult I observed the annual ritual with indifference as the various milestones clicked past like so many center stripes on a long road trip.

  • At 30 I remember feeling like a “real” adult.
  • At 40 I felt like I had gained some wisdom.
  • Now that I am 50, what do I think? What am I feeling?

According to the United Nations, the average life expectancy of an American male is 75.6 years. What does this mean to me?

  • The hypochondriac in me says that there are a lot of things that will probably get me well before 75.6.
  • The optimist in me says that I will live to be 100.
  • The realist in me says that this means I only have around 25.6 years left. Unless, of course, the Mayans are right (but that’s another story).

Which will it be? I have no crystal ball, so I have no idea. I am not losing sleep over it, either.

I began this blog on July 20,2010 with an initial post on narrative. Before now I have never promoted the blog. I have told a few people about it, and a few more have stumbled upon it, but I have not sought widespread readership. In the past 20 months I have written on a variety of topics all revolving around the idea that all people should be working on a story that looks forward, into the future. I call it a Forward Story.

As I celebrate my half century on the planet today I am taking the wraps off my plan to publish my first book in 2012 entitled Forward Story. While I have been sporadically writing the blog, I have also been working on the book. In writing style the book will be specifically targeted to young people up to their mid-20s, but it will have something to say to all of us, including those 50 and above. The fact is that regardless of your age, you need to have a story for where you are headed. Writing the book Forward Story has been a part of my personal Forward Story for a while now. This is the year to launch it.

This website will be the primary place to keep informed about the book. Feel free to subscribe to the RSS feed or otherwise bookmark forwardstory.com. You can also follow us on twitter at www.twitter.com/forward_story The exact timeframe for publication is not set, but I am committed to publication before the end of the year. In the meantime, feel free to poke around the site and join in the conversation.

Regardless of how many candles you will find on your cake this year, I hope you are writing a beautiful and meaningful Forward Story. Thanks for stopping by. Come back soon.

An Update: It took a lot longer than I hoped, but the book has arrived. You can get your copy here:


Forward Story: Write the Future You Desire

 

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Next Time

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I no longer own a copy of the Arthur Gordon’s important book A Touch of Wonder, but I recall a powerful story he shares in the book about the way we relate to the past and the future.

He tells of a psychiatrist friend of his in New York City that helped him during a time of regret. Gordon had missed a great opportunity, the kind that only comes around once or twice in a lifetime. He was lamenting this mistake and was stuck in regret. He just could not get over his mistake.

His friend noticed that Gordon kept using a phrase common to those stuck in the past and hamstrung by regret: “If only…”

If only:

  • I had not made that choice.
  • I had taken advantage of that opportunity.
  • I had not said that.
  • I had done something different.

“If only” can hinder and limit.

Gordon’s friend encouraged him to substitute another two word phrase each time he found himself thinking “If only.” The new phrase? “Next time.”

Next time:

  • I will make the better choice.
  • I will take advantage of that opportunity.
  • I will not say that.
  • I will do something different.

“If only” ties us to the past in a limiting way. “Next time” points us to a hopeful future in which we learn from past mistakes and make better choices.

The next time you find yourself tied to the past in a limiting way, try to use the phrase “next time” and start over with a confident, positive approach to your opportunities and your challenges.

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Terminal

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Today my son gave me the crushing news that one of his best friends just learned that his father has been diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gherig’s Disease). This news hit me like a ton of bricks. I know his father. I admire his father. I really like his father. He has two kids in college and two younger kids that really rely on their father. This news was different than the news of cancer or other diseases because of the prognosis. Cancer and heart disease carry with them a certain measure of hope. ALS is always fatal, ultimately.

In other words, he has a “terminal illness.” I started thinking about that phrase: TERMINAL ILLNESS. We treat that phrase with so much trepidation because we dread the idea of having an illness that is terminal. Surely we realize, though, that we all have a terminal condition. It is called humanness. None of us are getting out of this thing alive. We are mortal.

In this blog we are focused on the future and on developing a powerful forward story. How do you develop a forward story when ALS is the diagnosis? Let me rephrase the question: How do you develop a forward story when you have a terminal condition?

Don’t forget, we all do.

Some illnesses carry with them a generally accepted range of life expectancy. A person with ALS has a better idea of how much time they may have left. Those of us with the terminal illness of humanness just live like we are not terminal and like we are not dying. I am really not trying to be morbid, but I am trying to be realistic.

The task before all of us is to develop a forward story while knowing we have a terminal condition. We don’t like to look our mortality in the face. We find ways to avoid the topic. One of the responsibilities we all have is to grow up and to embrace adulthood. Living with the understanding that we are mortal and terminal is a requirement of adulthood. Becoming an adult requires honesty. Honesty demands that we face the fact that we will die.

Each six months or so I update my personal Forward Story. Some call this a Life Plan. It is a look at what I plan for my future to include and be. In order to remind myself of my own mortality, I begin each new version of my Forward Story with the following disclaimer:

The purpose of this Forward Story is not to predict the future. I have lived long enough now to understand that the future cannot be predicted. Part of the excitement and challenge of life is responding to unforeseen events. The various time horizons detailed here are not intended to imply that I believe that my life will continue for any specific length. I am aware of the fact that life is “even a mist” and that my life could end at any time. This is a fact of life. I also trust in God’s providence and plan for me. Hopefully my plans are consistent with His will for my life. This story is a snapshot of my vision for the future at this particular point in time. By definition it will change with the seasons of life and the circumstances I encounter. My reason for maintaining a Forward Story is to ensure that I do not simply wander through life aimlessly and look back one day as an old man disappointed in my lack of purpose and contribution to my family and to my world.

As we go along I will further develop some of the ideas expressed in this disclaimer. For now, the main point is that I do not know how long I will live. The fact that I write a Forward Story doesn’t mean that I have any idea how long I will live. It simply means that I plan to live in a purposeful way.

My friend with ALS has a Forward Story. He planned well for his family with life insurance, and he has provided for them in other important ways. He will continue to enjoy his life and his family as he faces his disease and his future. He is also a person of faith who has a Forward Story he is relying on that extends beyond this human reality.

As I write and maintain my personal Forward Story, I will always remember that I am terminal. How about you?

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Reader & Advisor

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The imminent philosopher Loudon Wainwright III wrote:

 

Reader and advisor
will my dreams come true?
Use your magic science
Show me what to do
Should I take some action?
Or should I just lay low?
Reader and advisor
Which way should I go?

Fortune tellers are fascinating. Their claim is so outrageous that it is intriguing. Psychics claim that they can use some tool (crystal ball, tarot cards) or some innate sixth sense to see into your future. From this “reading” of your future they can provide advice. Should you take some action? Should you just “lay low”? Visa and MasterCard accepted.

“Which way should I go?”

The idea of time intrigues me. The Past. The Present. The Future. “Time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’ into the future” (thanks, Steve). If you could really have someone look into a crystal ball and know your future exactly in all its detail, would you like for them to tell you what it reveals? To that hypothetical I say no. I already know I am not getting out of this thing alive, so why know how it ends and then spend the rest of my life dwelling on the gory details? I prefer to dwell on the positive.

The Past is important. We study history in order to understand what has happened with people, places, and things before us. It helps explain how we got here and why the southern border of New Mexico is not straight across even with the western boundary of Texas. It helps us know why calculus was invented. It brings us up to speed on the struggles of women for equality and the reason narrow gauge railroads had tracks that were narrower than 4 feet 8.5 inches.

Narrow Gauge

Our personal Pasts are also important. The way you were raised, nurtured, and educated has an impact on who you are and how you view the world. If your past was difficult or deficient, your ability to function in the present will be impacted. Your Future is at stake. Therapists are trained to help people deal with their pasts and make progress in the Present and Future.

The Present. Right now. We are urged to stop and smell the roses with good reason. In a real sense, the present is all we have. We can engage in present-oriented behaviors and future-oriented behaviors. Sometimes we can be fortunate enough to find actions that are both present- and future-oriented. If we are always doing future-oriented stuff, where’s the fun? All work and no play… If we are always doing present-oriented stuff, where’s the maturity?

The Future, as we have said before in this blog, seems to be the exclusive domain of humans. Some animals exhibit limited instinctual behaviors that  prepare for the future. Squirrels store up nuts and bears fatten up before hibernation. This is quite different from your capacity to form a mental image of some future accomplishment and then set about to make it happen.

Much more effective than any palm reader, you must learn to be your own “reader and advisor.” Your future can be “read” to a certain degree, and your advice can be grounded in reality.

These are the tasks at hand.