Category Archives: Family

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In the Unlikely Event of a Loss of Cabin Pressure

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http://airlineworld.files.wordpress.com/2008/01/safety_oxygen_mask.jpg

http://airlineworld.files.wordpress.com/2008/01/safety_oxygen_mask.jpg

If you have ever flown, you have heard the speech:

In the unlikely event of a loss of cabin pressure, panels above your seat will open revealing oxygen masks. Reach up and pull a mask towards you. Place it over your nose and mouth, and secure with the elastic band that can be adjusted to ensure a snug fit. The plastic bag will not fully inflate, although oxygen is flowing. Secure your own mask first before helping others.

Notice that curious last sentence. Why should you secure your own mask first before helping others? Isn’t that selfish? What if your small child is seated next to you and is gasping for air? What if your elderly mother is traveling with you and needs help? Are you really supposed to look out for Number One?

Of course, most of us can explain the reason why we should secure our own mask first. Of what use will you be to your child or mother if you have lost consciousness because of a lack of oxygen? In this emergency situation we can see the importance of taking care of ourselves.

For some reason, though, when we start to think about all of our different responsibilities, many of us feel guilt about taking care of ourselves with regard to our physical, mental, and spiritual health.

Realms

I want to suggest that each of us operates in many different realms. The concept of realms was introduced in our series on mind maps. The three realms I like to work with are the realms of:

  • Family
  • Personal
  • Career

These categories could be named differently and can be expanded in different ways, but I think these three realms can encompass everything I need to take care of in my life in order to be happy, healthy, and productive. All of these realms impact the other. For example, Personal includes my body and my health. When I make a point of eating right, getting proper exercise, and going to the doctor, am I being selfish? Let’s say that in the interest of not being selfish I do not eat right, do not do proper exercise, and do not go to the doctor. What is almost certain to happen? From experience I know that I would get sick, get fat, feel terrible, and likely shorten my life. In that condition what is my capacity to take care of my family or my career? You see, this is like putting on your oxygen mask first. As I take care of myself, I have more energy and health to take care of my responsibilities and dreams in the realms of Family and Career.

It is important that we also avoid extremes. What if I have really bought into the importance of taking care of my body and my health to the point that I exercise five hours per day, and spend half the family budget on nutritional supplements and personal trainers? No good. That is an extreme. That much time spent on body and health would likely harm my family relationships, which require time. It would also likely harm my relationship with my employer and negatively impact my career. There is delicate interplay between all three of these realms. If I go crazy in any one of them, it will likely be to the detriment of one or both of the other realms.

So, am I arguing for balance? I think the word balance is going a bit too far. If by balance we mean an equal allocation of time to all three realms, that is not what I mean. There are times when my job and career take an inordinate amount of time and focus. During those times I may feel pressure in the realms of Family and Personal. If a family member is sick and needs my attention, I may feel pressure in my Career and Personal realms. The important thing is to be conscious of all three realms and to not let one dominate the others for great periods of time. If your job and career dominates your life for a long period of time, for example, divorces often follow. If your focus on health and body dominates for long periods of time, your Career may suffer.

So, back to the oxygen mask. The fact that you put your mask on first means that you are taking care of the caregiver. That is not where you stop, though. You have taken care of yourself SO THAT you can take care of your child or mother. The reason we take care of our own health is so that we have the capacity to do all of the other things we need to do. In the next article we will expand our three realms more and discuss each sub-realm in more detail.

 

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Holidays Don’t Scare Me

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Pumpkin Swirl Cheesecake (Wheat-Free & Sugar-Free)

In February 2012 my wife and I transformed the way we eat. We did something radical and eliminated all wheat from our diet. Cold turkey. One day I was eating a sandwich – the next day I was not. The results have been amazing. If you consider all of the foods we eat that contain wheat, you could end up with the same reaction as comedian John Pinette:

The winter holidays for our family are dominated not only by the warm glow of being with family and loved ones, but also by incredible food. Like many Americans, our holiday food is rich and delicious, but not ideal for people concerned about their weight and health. As we approached Thanksgiving 2012, our first Thanksgiving without wheat, I was a little concerned. Would I really be able to say no to the macaroni and cheese? Could I pass on the cookies, cakes, and pies that are such a wonderful part of our family’s tradition? Would I hurt someone’s feelings by saying “no thanks” to their famous goodie? This really was a concern.

I should have known that our family would be very supportive and non-judgmental about our food. We are very fortunate to have a family that wants what is best for us, even if it seems weird to them. Going wheat-free or gluten-free certainly does seem weird to many people. I also attribute our holiday success to two factors that relate to our Forward Story.

1. Forward Vision. Because our health is such a priority for us, we try to view each daily decision through the lens of the future. If I choose to eat these cookies, will the ensuing discomfort and negative health consequences be worth the temporary pleasure enjoyed? Listen, for my wife’s pies and cookies, the answer is almost yes. But we try to follow the philosophy that “Nothing tastes as good as being lean and fit feels.” By considering the future consequences of the current decision, I tend to make better decisions. In a previous article we referred to this as future-oriented behavior.

2. Planning for Success. The photo at the top of this post is the pumpkin swirl cheesecake that my wife made for Thanksgiving. It is a wheat-free and sugar-free recipe from Maria Emmerich. It is remarkable. The fact that we knew Thanksgiving could be a challenge for us led us to plan to have a viable alternative. This cheesecake was so good that even the wheat eaters in our family liked it. Along with the non-judgmental attitude of our family, having this alternative led to our success. It has given us confidence that in the future we can handle Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the challenges presented at birthday parties and other family gatherings as long as we plan for success. Planning for this success and actually following through on that plan was a key.

I accept the fact that having forward vision and planning for success does not come naturally for everyone. In fact, it may not come naturally for any of us, but some of us do seem to more naturally adopt these practices. If you struggle in this area, I want to encourage you that these are skills you can cultivate. If you do, you will be pleased with the results. It is worth the effort to grow in this area of your life.

I am now only 13 pounds away from my weight as a senior in high school 32 years ago! I am now 37 pounds lighter than when I began. I want to say thanks to our family for their support. It means a lot to have a good network of people that care about us.

Tell me about your own Forward Story. How do you employ forward vision and plan for success?

Has the role your family has played been a positive or a negative for you?

 

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Mind-Mapping the Nearer Term – Adding Age 25

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In our last article our 18 year-old John completed his mind map for the time-frame 12 years down the road when he is 30 years old. He put in writing in his mind map his various dreams and goals across three areas – family, career, and personal. However, there is a large gap between where John is right now at 18 and where he wants to be when he is 30. Now comes a crucial step for John. He must answer the question, “How do I get there from here?”

When we introduced John in this series we identified the time-frames that he will plan for. The exact time-frames are flexible and can be defined as John desires. The most important thing is that these time windows make sense to the person creating the mind map – in this case John. Here is the mind map we laid out for John: (all images will enlarge when clicked)

With his age 30 mind-map completed, the next time-frame for John is the next seven years. At the end of that window he will be 25 years old. This period is exactly five years before the age 30 period he has already completed. With each new time period, John has to review the plans he has already written to make sure that what he plans in this new time-frame truly enables him to accomplish what he has already written in his longer time-frames. For example:

  • Family. John wants to be living near his parents when he is 30 in order to be able to take care of them. The likelihood of that happening will depend in large part on John’s decisions by age 25. He has to make sure that this new time-frame takes location into account.
  • Career. John said that when he is 30 he will be in his 7th year of work as an engineer. In order for this to happen, John needs to have already been an engineer for two years by the time he is 25. If he were now to write that by age 25 he wants to start his first job as an engineer, there is no way he will be in his 7th year of work when he is 30. This is why he must review what he has already written.
  • Personal. Since John wants to be under 190 pounds by the time he is 30, he will want to make sure he is setting a realistic goal for his age 25 time-frame with regard to his weight and health. If he does not pay attention to his weight and instead gains weight in his early to mid twenties, John may have weight problem to deal with when he is 30.

In this way John reviews what is already planned in longer time-frames and begins to write a coherent plan for the shorter time-frames. It is important to note that John’s already completed age 30 plan is not chiseled in stone. In working on an earlier time-frame he may discover that something he has written for age 30 cannot be accomplished by that time. OR he may determine that he has been too conservative and that he can really accomplish more in that more distant period. In either case he will need to go back to age 30 and make changes so that his plan has a realistic shot of success. In this way, the entire process is really an iterative process. That is, it will likely take several iterations (or repetitions) to develop a coherent plan.

Back to Age 25

After reviewing his age 30 mind map, John will now begin writing for age 25 across all three realms. Here is the blank template for age 25 with the familiar fields to guide John in his planning.

Since John has already completed his more distant time-frame, he can more easily step back in time and create his goals:

Family

  • Family Status: Mom & Dad 62, Steve 27, Jane 24, Kate 20
  • If we are not already living near Mom & Dad, we will look for career opportunities to move closer.
  • Steve may have children by this time, and it is important to me to be a good uncle to my nieces and nephews. This is true even if we do not live near one another.
  • I will have contributed my love and help to Jane and will have a healthy, supportive relationship with her as an older brother. I will maintain healthy boundaries.
  • I will continue my strong relationship with Kate and assist her in whatever ways she needs me.
  • I may be an uncle to Jane and/or Kate’s children at this point. As with Steve’s, I will invest in these nieces and nephews and be a wonderful uncle to them.
  • Robin and I will be celebrating our third anniversary.
  • I will support her in her career, life, and interests.
  • I will spend quality time with her and work seriously on making our marriage great. I will invest in us.
  • We may have children by this time. I will take fatherhood seriously and will look out for the well-being of them all.

In reviewing his age 30 map, John notices that he failed to say anything about his in-laws in what he wrote about family. He address this now in the new time-frame by writing:

  • I will make it easy for Robin and the kids to spend time with her parents.
  • I will look for ways to help Robin’s parents.

Also, now that John has identified this oversight from the age 30 plan, he will go back to that age 30 map and add his thinking about his in-laws.

Career

  • I will be in my 2nd year of work as an engineer.
  • I will establish a reputation as a person with a strong work ethic.
  • I will cultivate relationships with engineers I admire in order to learn from them and grow my network.
  • I will look for and participate in continuing education opportunities.
  • I will earn at least $60,000 per year.
  • We will practice wise budgeting and will pay off all student loan debt.

Personal

Body/Health

  • I will keep my weight under 190 pounds.
  • I will play tennis and walk regularly.
  • I will eat a healthy diet, and continually educate myself about the latest in nutritional science.
  • I will get annual physicals from my doctor.

Fun

  • I will take guitar lessons and review the fundamentals of music.
  • I will play in at least one charity golf tournaments each year for fun and to support good causes.
  • I will hunt annually with my Dad and brother.

The World

  • I will explore various charities and volunteer my time to determine the place I am most passionate about serving.
  • I will explore the mentoring a young person through Big Brothers/Big Sisters.
  • I will financially support humanitarian relief efforts through world-class charities.
  • I will vote in local, state, and national elections as an exercise of my civic duty and of patriotic gratitude.

Spiritual

  • I will continue to learn and explore my own spiritual nature and the nature of God.
  • I will focus on my spiritual journey with my wife and grow along with her.
  • I will explore and identify a good group of people/church to belong to and to do spiritual work with.
  • I will strive to be consistent in my religious beliefs and allow them to guide my actions in work and personal life.

Here is all of this information in the mind map for age 25:

When both the age 25 and age 30 map are included, here is John’s map. Remember, this image will enlarge:

Now that we have gone through two different time-frames for John we can begin to understand the process for doing a complete mind map. I think you will agree that it is actually hard work. We have not even completed John’s plan yet for his two closest time-frames. One thing that will emerge as we look to the closer time-frames is that the specific goals will become more like tasks as he begins to realize actions he will need to take to make his longer vision a reality. In our next article we will examine how the closest time-frames will drive John’s actions.

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Getting Personal About Forward Story Through Mind Maps

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This article is part of a series that began with “Using Mind Maps to Develop Your Forward Story.” We have used fictional 18 year-old John as an example and have started building his Forward Story by using the creative tool of mind mapping. In the last article we continued looking at John in twelve years when he will be thirty, and we focused on his career realm. He defined his career ambitions in light of his commitment to his family. As a reminder of where John is so far with his age thirty mind map, here is the map with those two realms completed. (All images will enlarge when clicked).

John has set some excellent goals for when he is thirty. The statements contained in each branch feel right to John. He gets excited thinking about it. The old saying goes: “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” John wants to be a mature adult, but he also wants to have some fun. He does not want to be a dull boy. He wants to enjoy life and to live in a meaningful way. So the next realm he will think about is what we will call the Personal realm. We include in this realm body, health, fun, the world, and spirituality.

Body/Health

John knows that thirty is still young, but he wants to take care of his health so he will be able to handle all of the other goals he has already chosen for himself. If he gains a lot of weight, develops diabetes, and suffers from heart disease (like his father has), he may not be able to take care of his parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, or his wife. He  has seen this happen to other friends and family members, so he is determined to make his health a priority.  John writes the following statements:

  • I will keep my weight under 190 pounds.
  • I will exercise at least three times per week.
  • I will eat a healthy diet, and continually educate myself about the latest in nutritional science.
  • I will get annual physicals from my doctor.

For fun John really likes playing guitar. He is currently a novice, but would like to be much better in twelve years. He knows he can do it, so writes the following about guitar and other “fun” activities:

  • I will be able to play guitar for my family and friends without embarrassing myself.
  • I will play in three charity golf tournaments each year for fun and to support good causes.
  • I will hunt annually with my Dad and brother.

Also in this personal realm, John needs to think about the larger world in which he lives. He is aware of people in other places and of his responsibility as a citizen of his own country. He writes:

  • I will regularly volunteer my time to help with our local food pantry.
  • I will mentor a young person through Big Brothers/Big Sisters.
  • I will financially support humanitarian relief efforts through world-class charities.
  • I will vote in local, state, and national elections as an exercise of my civic duty and of patriotic gratitude.

Finally, John will address spirituality. He is not quite certain where his spiritual life will take him, and he has a lot of questions. John considers himself a seeker after spiritual truth, so he has some expectations that by age thirty he may have found some answers to his questions. He contents himself with the following for now:

  • I will have an understanding of my own spiritual nature and the nature of God.
  • I will continue my spiritual journey with my wife and grow along with her.
  • I will find a good group of people/church to belong to and to do spiritual work with.
  • I will strive to be consistent in my religious beliefs and allow them to guide my actions in work and personal life.

Putting all of this together into his mind map, here is what John’s personal realm looks like at age thirty:

John’s final mind map for age thirty is pretty busy. Here is what it looks like all put together:

This branch of John’s map represents a lot of hard work in thinking, visualizing, and writing. As good as this is, this is what John envisions his life looking like in twelve years. In order for this to be more than a fairly tale, he has a lot more work to do to bridge the gap between now and then. So, as a reminder, the thirty year branch is only a small part of John’s overall mind map. Here is a visual reminder of what is left to define:

In our next article we will look at the way John’s closer timeframes relate to this age thirty branch.

How do you think John’s completed branch will affect his thinking about the next few years of his life? How is it likely to impact his behavior?

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Continuing the Story with a Career Mind Map

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In our last article we added the family realm to John’s mind map in order to help him write his Forward Story. John chose to start with his family because he sincerely values his parents, siblings, and future spouse, and wants the rest of his life and plans to revolve around the obligation he feels toward them. This is really a matter of personal choice and priority. If John had a different family situation or a different commitment toward his family, he might not start with that realm. An important point to understand is that if John had not begun with family first, his mind map (and his resulting Forward Story) would likely be quite different. You must decide where to begin your thinking and planning. It will depend on what is most important to you. It will relate to your ambition.

As a reminder, here is the age 30 mind map John developed for his family priorities. (All images will enlarge when clicked).

The Career Realm

The question for John now is what kind of education, work, business, and money will he need by age 30 in order to fulfill his desires for his family? For convenience’ sake we are going to lump all of these areas into a category we call Career. Remember that John is 18 years old. He has just completed high school, and truly stands at a threshold. A big reason he is creating his Forward Story now is because he knows that his next moves will be critical to the kind of future he will have. In order to fulfill his 12 year plans for his family, John will need to be living near his parents when he is 30 or perhaps have enough financial resources to move them near him (if his father’s health really declines) or to be able to care for them from a distance. This all requires financial resources. In other words, he will need to have a job in his hometown or be making a lot of cash elsewhere.

What Does John Want to Be When He Grows Up?

There are scores of books dedicated to the subject of career choice and vocation. There are professionals who have built successful careers themselves based on helping guide people to a good career choice. What John is about to decide and write about his career is going to have sweeping implications for him. The huge question he must answer is: “What kind of career or job do I want to have?”

It is important that we not pass over this too quickly. For John this may well involve a lot of soul-searching, research, conversations with other people, and quite honestly, stress. It seems a little strange that people as young as 18 often must decide something so serious at such a young age. However, many of the more financially rewarding career tracks will require specialized education and training that John must start right away if he wants to pursue them.

A Cold Hard Economic Reality

This seems like a good place to state an obvious economic fact. The more specialized and rare a skill set you possess, the more income you can earn. The less specialized and more common a skill set you possess, the less income you can earn. For example, a lot of people can use a shovel to dig a trench. It is not that hard to learn how to do it. Because of this, trench diggers cannot earn much over minimum wage to do this job. There is a lot of competition from people who can do that. On the other hand, not very many people have the education, training, and skill to do a heart transplant. If you can successfully do heart transplants, you are going to make a lot of money. The tough part of this is that it takes a lot more time and work to become a heart transplant surgeon than it does to become a trench digger. It is not that digging trenches is not important. It is also not that there is no dignity in hard physical labor. There can be. It is just that in the law of supply and demand, there is a lot more supply of trench diggers than there are people needing trenches dug. Conversely, there are a lot more people needing heart transplants than there are heart transplant surgeons. This drives the cost up.

Given the economic facts of supply and demand, John decides that he wants to earn far more than minimum wage. He wants to get some skills and education that will enable him to earn a good income to be able to achieve his family goals. He begins to research various careers, the education required, the projections for how those careers will be needed in the future, and how much people in those careers earn. This is not a neat and tidy process for John or anyone else. It is a struggle for most people. There are a rare few that seem to know from an early age exactly what they want to do and then do it. For the rest of us, we wrestle, struggle, and come to a decision.

John’s Decision

After much time and effort, John decides that he would like to go into engineering. He is not yet sure what type of engineering he wants to study, but is content that he will figure that out once he gets to college. For now he can envision earning a good living as an engineer. The city where he grew up and where his parents live has a strong job market for engineers, so he thinks this is compatible with his family goals. With that direction set, John can proceed with his Career realm on the mind map. His 30 year-old Career realm includes:

  • I will be in my 7th year of work as an engineer.
  • I will continue establishing myself as a competent engineer.
  • I will work with an older experienced engineer who will serve as my mentor.
  • I will take advantage of continuing education opportunities to remain current.
  • I will earn at least $75,000 per year.
  • We will practice wise budgeting and investment practices to achieve our family financial goals.

Here it is in his mind map:

Please notice that John has not yet dealt with the intervening years between his current age of 18 and his age 30 plans. That is for another step. What John has written and planned so far in regard to his life at age 30 has implied certain things about the years between those two ages, but he has not explicitly dealt with it yet.

John might have chosen any number of careers, some of which would not require college or trade school. Had he chosen a different career track, the years leading up to age 30 would look different and his earning potential might be different. The critical thing to realize, however, is that John has the right and the responsibility to choose. In our next article John is going to fill out the Personal realm in his age 30 plan.

What resources have you found helpful in the areas of career choice, salary information, and personal money management?

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How To Incorporate Family Into Your Mind Map

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In our last article we helped 18 year-old John use a mind map to focus in on his plans when he is 30. We said that in this timeframe John needs to do a lot of thinking about several areas of his life: Family, Personal, and Career.

NOTE: All images will enlarge when clicked.

Now let’s examine the Family realm more closely for John when he is 30.

As with all of us, family is important to John. Like a fingerprint, each family situation is unique, and John’s is not exactly like yours or mine. Let’s lay out some facts about John’s current family situation:

  • He is single, but in a serious relationship with Robin.
  • His parents are both still living and are 55 years old. His father has had serious health problems with his heart.
  • He has an older brother named Steve who is 20 and two younger sisters Jane, age 17, and Kate, age 13.
  • 17 year-old Jane has dropped out of school and has a drug problem.

John has no crystal ball, but he knows how old they will all be if everyone is still living in twelve years. His “Family Status” at that point will include the fact that his parents will be 67 years old. His brother will be 32. He will be 30. His sisters will be 29 and 25. There is value in simply listing these ages as facts in his family status:

These facts alone will spur John into some serious thinking about what he may want to be doing in twelve years as part of this family:

  • I will be living near Mom & Dad to help with Dad’s medical needs and to support Mom.
  • Steve may have children by this time, and it is important to me to be a good uncle to my nieces and nephews. This is true even if we do not live near one another.
  • I will have contributed my love and help to Jane and will have a healthy, supportive relationship with her as an older brother. I will maintain healthy boundaries.
  • I will continue my strong relationship with Kate and assist her in whatever ways she needs me.
  • I may be an uncle to Jane and/or Kate’s children at this point. As with Steve’s, I will invest in these nieces and nephews and be a wonderful uncle to them.

In addition to family status, John wants to include his relationship with Robin. They have been dating for two years and think they want to be married. In this mind map dealing with his life at age 30, John is assuming that he and Robin have been married for eight years. In regard to Robin, John thinks the following:

  • I will be Robin’s champion to support her in her career, life, and interests.
  • I will spend quality time with her and work seriously on making our marriage great. I will invest in us.
  • We may have children by this time. I will take fatherhood seriously and will look out for the well-being of them all.

In addition to these statements of purpose with regard to his family, John might include his grandparents, in-laws, and extended family. He is tying in to his deepest values about the people he loves and determining what he hopes to be doing with these people. He is creating a narrative about what his life will look like at age 30. What will happen to these people if John makes no plan? His parents, siblings, and Robin will still be 12 years older. John will still be 30 at that time. It’s just that if he has had no plan and has not thought seriously about the family realm, he may have regrets when he gets to that stage.

In her commencement address to the Spelman College graduating class of 2012, Oprah Winfrey said:

You must have some vision for your life. Even if you don’t know the path, you have to have a direction in which you choose to go. What I learned is that that’s a great metaphor for life. You want to be in the driver’s seat on your own life because if you are not, life will drive you.

John has decided to drive his own life instead of being driven by his life. What about you?

In our next article we will focus on the realm we are calling Career.