Category Archives: Maturity

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Getting Personal About Forward Story Through Mind Maps

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This article is part of a series that began with “Using Mind Maps to Develop Your Forward Story.” We have used fictional 18 year-old John as an example and have started building his Forward Story by using the creative tool of mind mapping. In the last article we continued looking at John in twelve years when he will be thirty, and we focused on his career realm. He defined his career ambitions in light of his commitment to his family. As a reminder of where John is so far with his age thirty mind map, here is the map with those two realms completed. (All images will enlarge when clicked).

John has set some excellent goals for when he is thirty. The statements contained in each branch feel right to John. He gets excited thinking about it. The old saying goes: “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” John wants to be a mature adult, but he also wants to have some fun. He does not want to be a dull boy. He wants to enjoy life and to live in a meaningful way. So the next realm he will think about is what we will call the Personal realm. We include in this realm body, health, fun, the world, and spirituality.

Body/Health

John knows that thirty is still young, but he wants to take care of his health so he will be able to handle all of the other goals he has already chosen for himself. If he gains a lot of weight, develops diabetes, and suffers from heart disease (like his father has), he may not be able to take care of his parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, or his wife. He  has seen this happen to other friends and family members, so he is determined to make his health a priority.  John writes the following statements:

  • I will keep my weight under 190 pounds.
  • I will exercise at least three times per week.
  • I will eat a healthy diet, and continually educate myself about the latest in nutritional science.
  • I will get annual physicals from my doctor.

For fun John really likes playing guitar. He is currently a novice, but would like to be much better in twelve years. He knows he can do it, so writes the following about guitar and other “fun” activities:

  • I will be able to play guitar for my family and friends without embarrassing myself.
  • I will play in three charity golf tournaments each year for fun and to support good causes.
  • I will hunt annually with my Dad and brother.

Also in this personal realm, John needs to think about the larger world in which he lives. He is aware of people in other places and of his responsibility as a citizen of his own country. He writes:

  • I will regularly volunteer my time to help with our local food pantry.
  • I will mentor a young person through Big Brothers/Big Sisters.
  • I will financially support humanitarian relief efforts through world-class charities.
  • I will vote in local, state, and national elections as an exercise of my civic duty and of patriotic gratitude.

Finally, John will address spirituality. He is not quite certain where his spiritual life will take him, and he has a lot of questions. John considers himself a seeker after spiritual truth, so he has some expectations that by age thirty he may have found some answers to his questions. He contents himself with the following for now:

  • I will have an understanding of my own spiritual nature and the nature of God.
  • I will continue my spiritual journey with my wife and grow along with her.
  • I will find a good group of people/church to belong to and to do spiritual work with.
  • I will strive to be consistent in my religious beliefs and allow them to guide my actions in work and personal life.

Putting all of this together into his mind map, here is what John’s personal realm looks like at age thirty:

John’s final mind map for age thirty is pretty busy. Here is what it looks like all put together:

This branch of John’s map represents a lot of hard work in thinking, visualizing, and writing. As good as this is, this is what John envisions his life looking like in twelve years. In order for this to be more than a fairly tale, he has a lot more work to do to bridge the gap between now and then. So, as a reminder, the thirty year branch is only a small part of John’s overall mind map. Here is a visual reminder of what is left to define:

In our next article we will look at the way John’s closer timeframes relate to this age thirty branch.

How do you think John’s completed branch will affect his thinking about the next few years of his life? How is it likely to impact his behavior?

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How To Select a Great Coach

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Coaches are everywhere. It is difficult to find a domain where coaches are not present.

  • Football Coach
  • Track Coach
  • Golf Coach
  • Tennis Coach
  • Debate Coach
  • Job Coach
  • Executive Coach
  • Career Coach

Even if the title “coach” is not applied, often a person is still functioning as a coach. Sometimes we use the words “mentor” and “teacher” to refer to a coach.

What does it mean to coach, and why is it so important? To coach is to instruct, direct, train intensively, and to demonstrate. If you want to learn some new practice or activity that is not natural, you will learn faster and become better if you have a competent coach who can show you how to do it. Perhaps you want to learn to play golf. There is nothing natural about playing golf. How should you grip the club? Which club should you use? How is the golf swing started? What about the stance? Where should the ball be placed relative to your feet? How do you putt the ball? All of these questions and hundreds more need to be answered in order to become a good golfer. Not only do you need to know the answers to these questions, you need to actually practice doing them. Golf is a physical game that requires you actually golf. So, in addition to telling you how to do something and demonstrating how to do it, a coach also trains you. That is, she has you practice the behavior over and over until you do it right. Depending on what you are learning, the coach can be very demanding. This is the reason coaches are often viewed as strong leaders and disciplinarians. They train, direct, and instruct.

You Have to Want It

The truth is that no coach can coach you if you do not want to be coached. If your coach has told you to go run stairs to improve your fitness level, you will only run those stairs if you choose to do it. If you choose not to run those stairs when the coach has directed you to do it, there may well be consequences. For instance, you may be removed from the team. Or, you may simply not get to play. But, that is your choice and your right (at least in environments with individual liberties to choose). So, even though we may gripe and complain about how unreasonable the coach is being, ultimately we choose to be coached because we think it is important to achieve our ambition.

Have you noticed that it is not only the beginner that gets coached? The teams that are at the top of the sports world have coaches. Professional teams have the highest paid coaches. What this demonstrates is that coaching is vital in not only learning the basics, it is vital in learning how to achieve higher and higher levels of expertise. If this were not the case, the world’s greatest golfers would just direct their own practices and analyze their own swings. The better the player, the better coach he or she demands. This is because those players recognize the need for coaching and they want it. If they did not want it, they would not submit to coaching.

Competent Coaches

Unfortunately, not everyone that desires to coach is very good at it. If the golf coach you select doesn’t know much about golf or doesn’t know how to effectively teach you the game, how will that impact you? You will learn wrong information, develop bad habits, and likely not achieve your ambition. This is why it is so important to select your coaches carefully. Not everyone that wants to coach you is competent to do so. If you are a  middle school athlete, you don’t have a choice about who coaches you. If you want to play, you get the coaches that the school has assigned to coach you. Many of those coaches are outstanding, but some of them are still learning themselves how to coach.

Let’s move from school coaching and athletics to other domains of coaching. As stated at the outset, there are executive coaches, career coaches, and coaches for many different professional ambitions. If your ambition is to be a great sales professional, you need to select a great sales coach. You need someone competent to coach effective selling philosophy and to help you develop good selling behaviors. It is extremely important that you select someone with a proven track record of success. You need competency and effectiveness. How do you find it? The same way you select the hiring of a key employee or the purchase of an expensive car or piece of capital equipment. You do your “due diligence.”

Due Diligence

The concept of due diligence is well established in business and law. The term refers to a process of research, conversation, and discovery by which you get to the real truth. If you are looking to purchase a business from someone, you need to know the true status of the business, not just the pretty photos and the company narrative. You need to look into the books to see what the revenues and expenses are. You need to see the balance sheet to understand the company’s assets and liabilities. You need to speak to employees and customers to gauge the company’s strengths and weaknesses. Before you spend your money to buy this business, you need to be sure you have done your homework.

The decision about who will coach you deserves the same level of scrutiny. There are three important ways to search for a competent coach:

  1. Internet. As with most research these days, it will probably involve the internet. There is a wealth of information at click of a SEARCH button.
  2. Network. Speak to the people in your network about the subject of coaching. Find those people who are the best at what you want to do and ask them if they use coaches. Ask for specific names of coaches that they recommend.
  3. Interview. Once you have identified potential coaches, schedule an appointment to discuss their services. Plan your questions before you meet, and treat it like an employment interview. In a way it is. You will want to know his coaching philosophy, formal instruction methods, and costs. Don’t forget that a great coach can help you achieve levels that you never before thought possible, so while cost is important, the cheapest is not necessarily the best.

People who are serious about their careers, sports, or other endeavors look for the best coaches. Hopefully your Forward Story will include the need for and commitment to personal growth in one or more fields of endeavor. If so, having a great coach can be a vital ingredient. The best coaches are competent and have a track record. Make it your goal to find a great coach to help you achieve your ambition.

 

 

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Today I’m 50 – Now What? Maybe Write a Book!

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I recall as a kid being really excited about birthdays. What was not to love? My friends and family made a big deal out the fact that on that date some number of years before, I made my exit from one environment into another. I was the center of attention on that day each year. There were presents, there was cash, there were games, there was singing, and best of all, there was cake. Let them eat cake! What a great thing.

At some point in my adolescence I stopped getting so excited about birthdays. As an adult I observed the annual ritual with indifference as the various milestones clicked past like so many center stripes on a long road trip.

  • At 30 I remember feeling like a “real” adult.
  • At 40 I felt like I had gained some wisdom.
  • Now that I am 50, what do I think? What am I feeling?

According to the United Nations, the average life expectancy of an American male is 75.6 years. What does this mean to me?

  • The hypochondriac in me says that there are a lot of things that will probably get me well before 75.6.
  • The optimist in me says that I will live to be 100.
  • The realist in me says that this means I only have around 25.6 years left. Unless, of course, the Mayans are right (but that’s another story).

Which will it be? I have no crystal ball, so I have no idea. I am not losing sleep over it, either.

I began this blog on July 20,2010 with an initial post on narrative. Before now I have never promoted the blog. I have told a few people about it, and a few more have stumbled upon it, but I have not sought widespread readership. In the past 20 months I have written on a variety of topics all revolving around the idea that all people should be working on a story that looks forward, into the future. I call it a Forward Story.

As I celebrate my half century on the planet today I am taking the wraps off my plan to publish my first book in 2012 entitled Forward Story. While I have been sporadically writing the blog, I have also been working on the book. In writing style the book will be specifically targeted to young people up to their mid-20s, but it will have something to say to all of us, including those 50 and above. The fact is that regardless of your age, you need to have a story for where you are headed. Writing the book Forward Story has been a part of my personal Forward Story for a while now. This is the year to launch it.

This website will be the primary place to keep informed about the book. Feel free to subscribe to the RSS feed or otherwise bookmark forwardstory.com. You can also follow us on twitter at www.twitter.com/forward_story The exact timeframe for publication is not set, but I am committed to publication before the end of the year. In the meantime, feel free to poke around the site and join in the conversation.

Regardless of how many candles you will find on your cake this year, I hope you are writing a beautiful and meaningful Forward Story. Thanks for stopping by. Come back soon.

An Update: It took a lot longer than I hoped, but the book has arrived. You can get your copy here:


Forward Story: Write the Future You Desire

 

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Vicissitudes

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Words are sometimes strange and wonderful. I am certain this is the case in every language. In the English language, one of those strange words is vicissitudes. It is not used very often. When it is, it is usually something like this:

James had great intentions to be there for his friends, but the vicissitudes of life changed all of that.

The word has come into English from French (and Latin before that) from words that mean change and alternation. There are two primary usages of the word. One is just the idea of alternating change, and that change is a natural state of things. The other usage is that often these changes that we encounter can be described as either positive or negative. Usually the word is used for negative events or changes in a person’s life. For this usage Merriam-Webster says:

a difficulty or hardship attendant on a way of life, a career, or a course of action and usually beyond one’s control

The reason this somewhat rare word came to my mind is that in recent conversations with my daughter about writing our Forward Stories, she offered the opinion that writing a Forward Story might not be practical given that events occur in our lives that we neither envision nor control.

Vicissitudes.

What I tried to convey to her is that her Forward Story must embrace these uncertainties. Which is more powerful?

  • Not writing a story because there are uncertainties ahead? or
  • Writing one that acknowledges those vicissitudes?

To refuse to plan for the future or lay out a desired story for where you are headed because you cannot see the future misses the point. The point is not to write a Forward Story that will appear accurate in hindsight. The point is to create a story that is in harmony with your ambitions and that guides you into effective actions that lead to the future you desire.

When in the process of living out your Forward Story you are confronted with vicissitudes, it is time to reevaluate your Forward Story and write a new one. Likely the new Forward Story will simply be a revision of the previous one. The revision will grapple with the new reality and plot a new path forward to achieving your ambitions.

This is the reason that we advocate a regular review and revision of your Forward Story. The masterpiece you are writing is actually the life you live as a result of having a Forward Story that is connected to who you are and what you want your life to be about. Do not let life’s vicissitudes have the final word. Adapt and move forward.

 

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The Khan Academy – A Blessing for Learners Everywhere

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My wife and I are big fans of the CBS television news magazine 60 Minutes. We think Scott Pelley and that team are talented and courageous journalists. As people committed to lifelong learning, we were very excited about last night’s feature of the Khan Academy. Started by Sal Khan to help his cousin with math, Khan Academy is making an immeasurable impact on teaching around the world. It is allowing awesome teachers like Courtney Cadwell (featured in the report) to be effective coaches of the subjects they teach.

A vital part of my Forward Story is continual learning throughout my life. I am about to turn 50, and I feel as though I am just getting started with all the learning I want to do. I have now become a member of Khan Academy and am really excited about the value I am going to produce from it. Some of it will be a refresher for me of material I learned long ago but have not reviewed in a while. This is the “use it or lose it” principle, and I think that is very important.  Some of it will be brand new learning for me.

As you create and maintain your Forward Story, look for ways for Khan Academy to assist you. If you are in middle school or high school and have a dream of attending college one day, Khan Academy is your friend. If you are a college student now and are struggling with some concept, you can find help at Khan. If you are an adult, you can reach new heights with this type of learning.

I highly recommend that you watch the 60 Minutes segment: http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=7401696n

Thank you to Sal, his team, and to those teachers and administrators who are making this work for their students. Bravo!

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Growing Up

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I vividly recall the first time that someone told me that I was acting immaturely and needed to grow up. I was in seventh grade, and the person who told me what I needed to hear was Nancy Smith, my yearbook staff adviser. Our junior high had one of the premiere junior high yearbooks in the country (the Cedar Bayou Bruin). Ms. Smith had built the staff into a select group of students that had been identified and chosen with the help of her teaching colleagues. Her teacher friends were always scouting for the students that had creativity and the “right stuff” for the staff. There were only four of us seventh graders selected to work alongside twice that many eighth graders. For the maturity difference between those eighth graders and me at the start, they might as well have been college seniors. They were extremely mature relative to me.

The problem was that I did not really understand what “mature” and “immature” meant. I did not know that the others were actually not laughing WITH me but AT me. Ms. Smith wanted to be sure that I understood the expectations of being on the staff and that I began to grow up so I could become a true part of the team.

It seems to me that many of us give up childhood very reluctantly. This should not be surprising because childhood is (or at least should be) carefree, fun, and joyful. Who would want to leave that? However, it the responsibility of every person who is capable of growing up to grow up. The time comes for everyone to make that step, however painful it might be.

Simply aging is not the same as growing up. We all know 35 year old adolescents. I think I have even met some 60 year old kids. What do you think when you see someone saying or doing something that is not appropriate to his age? You probably think or say that he should “Grow up.”

What does it mean to grow up?

  • Face Reality. Children live in a fantasy world, and that is appropriate for them. Their world begins “once upon a time” and ends “happily ever after.” I realize there are notable exceptions to this, with far too many children who know with certainty that this is not a happily ever after world. Part of growing up is accepting our world as it is and learning to work within the truth of our existence. When you begin to awaken to reality, you begin to leave childhood behind. There may be sadness associated with this, but it is required for adulthood.
  • Take Responsibility. There is no power in blaming everyone else for your faults and failures. The most successful people in life are those who refuse to let themselves off the hook. They refuse to blame others or make excuses. They simply recognize that they are responsible. They embrace responsibility. There is power that issues from that embrace.
  • Delay Gratification. This is one of the supreme challenges of adulthood. Because adults face reality and take responsibility, they learn to delay gratification. Children want it NOW!! Have you ever witnessed an “episode” in the grocery store where the child wanted the cookies/candy/ice cream/whatchamacallit and wanted it NOW? Adults know the truth spoken by Mick Jagger that you can’t always get what you want. A fascinating article by Pamela Druckerman in The Wall Street Journal argues that one of the reasons French parents are effective is that they teach patience and delayed gratification to their children. If I go out and buy a $100,000 car on a $30,000 salary, I have not learned delayed gratification. Patience is not easy for any of us, but it is a true characteristic of adulthood. Druckerman’s book is Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting (now with Bébé Day by Day: 100 Keys to French Parenting)
  • Dump Selfishness. To most children, the world revolves around them. We parents often observe selfishness in even very young children. If a 40 year old person carries a self-centered approach into a marriage, a job, or any other relationship, it is not going to go well. Adults care about other people. They learn to put others’ welfare above their own. They learn to sacrifice for those they love and care about.
  • Develop Vision and a Story. Children think in a very short time-frame. With our son I sometimes thought his time-frame was the next five minutes. The world of children is dominated by adults, who tell them where to be and what to do at any one time. Mom says, “It’s time to catch the bus.” The coach says, “Give me two laps.” This is appropriate for a child, but the time comes when no one is going to force you to do anything. You can do nothing if you so choose. Society will let you go and leave you to your own devices. There are real consequences to remaining a child in an adult world. Adulthood requires that you begin thinking in longer time-frames. Instead of the next five minutes, you start to think about the next year. You develop a vision for the next five years, your education, your career, your family, your retirement, and eternity. That is an adult move. When you develop a vision and a Forward Story you can begin to take actions that will lead you in the direction of that vision.

Growing up is part of life. It is painful in many ways, but the payoff is worth it. I remember being a little hurt when Ms. Smith told me I needed to grow up. I winced at the realization that those older kids were laughing at me. Thanks to her, though, I took it to heart and began to try to grow up. She prevented me from prolonging a childhood in the midst of people who were already doing their own growing up. Thanks, Nancy!