Category Archives: Future

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Keeping Up Appearances

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Keeping Up Appearances logo

My wife and I are fond of British entertainment. One of the older shows we used to watch is called Keeping Up Appearances. The main character is Hyacinth Bucket. Now, to you her surname may appear to be properly pronounced like a pail in which you carry water. Oh no…. Her name, she insists, is pronounced Bouquet, as in an arrangement of flowers. You see, a bouquet is much more elegant than a bucket. Hyacinth tries really hard to distance herself from her low-class family and to convince the upper crust of society that she is one of them. She wants to belong.

The comedic angle is that she is not, in fact, one of them. There is great fun in watching her try to keep up the appearance that she is something that she is not.

On December 1 of each year I begin the process of revising my Forward Story. As I argue in my book, my vision for the future changes with the years and with my own ambitions and values. It would be ineffective to stick with a Forward Story from a decade ago. I need a new, fresh, and relevant story for what comes next. With this annual ritual, I always look back at where I have been and wonder how things might have been different. I try not to wallow in regret. The past is gone, and there is nothing to be done with it other than learn from it.

In retrospect I can see that in some ways I fell prey to the modern Western myth that materialism brings happiness. There have been cars, lots of cars – mostly new and financed. There has been a lot of skiing, tennis, and general fun. Nothing wrong with that, but the idea that it is my right and that somehow I am owed these things regardless of my budget causes problems. There have been homes bought and then left behind for something bigger and better, with a much larger mortgage. Some of what drove that was a desire to keep up with (or exceed?) those people I knew and spent time with. There was some sort of personal dignity issue tied to our stuff. We were in some ways keeping up an appearance. What no one could see was all of the debt behind the scenes propping up the appearance.

We finally came to our senses around 10 years ago and got out of the appearances game. As a result we have a lot fewer of the trappings of success and a lot more actual substance. I give a lot of credit to Dave Ramsey for giving us the kick in the backside that we needed to realize where all that keeping up of appearances had gotten us.

As I was listening recently to a young couple on the Dave Ramsey show explaining how they got completely out of debt, one of them said she had learned how to be content. I think that is also a big key for us. It is a challenge to be content when you live in a materialistic society where some of the smartest and best educated people in that society get paid a lot of money to make you want the products they are selling. That old car just doesn’t look as good as that brand new luxury car on TV with the big red bow on top.

As we finish off another year and get ready for a new one, ask yourself if you are keeping up any appearances. I have found that it is expensive and burdensome. There is a lot of peace in setting all that aside in favor of contentment.

Let me know if you would like any help in getting started with your own personal Forward Story. I would love to hear from you.

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I Was Going to Quote Wayne Gretzky on the Puck, but…

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I like to share wise and pithy quotes on this site from time to time. Let’s admit it, we all love those kinds of quotes. We care what influential people said when it seems to capture some helpful advice or viewpoint.

Wayne Gretzky 2006-02-18 Turin 001

The quote I was planning to use is one of Gretzky’s most famous:

Skate to where the puck is going, not where it has been.

This is great because it is a call to look to the future and not be bound to the past (or even the present?). However, as I was searching for the exact quote, I came across an article that correctly warns us about using pithy sayings without really thinking about them. I recommend the article.

The obvious question raised by the quote is how do we know where the puck is going? If I knew where the price of my favorite stock would be next month (whether up or down), I could make some money. In hockey, Gretzky honed his skills and worked with his teammates enough that he had a pretty good idea where it was going. In business, in personal decisions, and in life it is not quite like that for most of us. The future location of our metaphorical pucks is not always so clear.

I still really like the quote. We are all trying to make educated guesses on the future, but we should also be humble enough to admit that we don’t actually know where the puck is going.

Another takeaway for me is that it is also a good idea to think critically about famous quotes and to look for the complexity that is often masked by the genius of word-smithing.

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Changing Seasons

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As we approach the end of summer with the autumnal equinox, I find myself appreciating the changing of the seasons. Here in Texas we usually have a hot spring followed by a scorching summer followed by a hot fall. Even here, though, the changing of the seasons is noticeable if you pay attention.

Moving into autumn the daylight is getting shorter. The morning temperatures are a lot cooler. The trees are starting to think about changing colors. The Friday Night Lights start to glow (in this region that is actually part of nature). Until I started gardening I did not pay much attention to the seasons. I now find myself feeling more tied to light, darkness, rain, temperature, planting, and harvesting. Just about the time I am getting tired of the long hot days, they start getting shorter and cooler.

The changing seasons are a metaphor for life as well. I have never met anyone who truly loves change, at least not all change. I tend to get set in my comfortable routines and find that any change or disruption to them is annoying, even if the change is ultimately better (which it often is). Even though most of us don’t love change, we have to make peace with it because things change. It is one of the few constants.

Since change is inevitable, I try to get philosophical about it. Perhaps just as I welcome the changing of the seasons I can also welcome other types of change. There are many seasons of life that people experience. We greatly enjoyed the season of life when our children were small. When they started school that brought many changes to our lives and routines. When they left for college we again faced great change. Now that we are empty nesters and see the gray hair in the mirror, yet more change. When we face changes to the seasons of our lives we try to look for the new and exciting possibilities. It is not always easy.

My practice of writing an annual Forward Story (detailed in my book by the same name) helps with this process of change. It actually empowers me to not only think about what changes are coming, but to take some level of responsibility about how I will handle it and respond to it. It allows me to embrace change as exciting and positive. It is a choice I make.

Sometimes change is thrust on us and is most unwelcome. This is true with the death of a loved one. We did not ask for it, but it happened anyway. Many of my friends have suffered change because of a hurricane and flooding that they did not want. Change is inevitable and comes in many flavors. We are in charge of the way we respond to it.

How do you cope with the changing seasons in your life?(leave a comment)

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Emily Brontë Died at Thirty

How Old Are You?

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Charlotte Bronte coloured drawing
My wife and I recently watched the movie To Walk Invisible about the Brontë sisters. These amazing sisters created some of the most enduring works of English literature.

The eldest sister Charlotte wrote Jane Eyre (Penguin Classics). The youngest sister Anne wrote Agnes Grey (Penguin Classics). The middle sister Emily wrote Wuthering Heights (Penguin Classics).

Their decision to write and publish under male pseudonyms is an amazing story of strategy and perseverance. Charlotte was “Currer Bell,” Anne was “Acton Bell,” and Emily was “Ellis Bell.”

As with all writers in their day, their work was conducted often by candlelight and always by hand with ink and quill on paper. I am writing this post in an online editor with cut and paste, auto-spell check, and the ability to publish to the world with one click of the “publish” button. It is hard to even envision the painstaking effort they expended to bring these works to readers.

There are many aspects to their story that I find amazing, but perhaps the thing that strikes me most is the fact that Emily Brontë lived only 30 years. In fact, her youngest sister Anne lived only 29 years. Charlotte lived only to the age of 38.

I do not measure myself against women who were among the most gifted writers in the English language, but I do draw two lessons from their lives:

  1. Youth should be no barrier. If anyone told them they were too young, the Brontës did not listen. Some of us seem to be waiting until some magic future date when we are of sufficient age to do something important. Go ahead and do it now. Will you get better at it as you get older? Probably. Maybe. Maybe not. In the case of the Brontës, there was no getting older. Life is uncertain and short. That leads to the second lesson…
  2. What are you waiting for? Go ahead and get started doing something you really want to do and need to do. Don’t wait for later and older. Do it now. Get it started. Do not let resistance paralyze you. If you plan to do creative work (writing, music, art, entrepreneurship), get a copy of The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles and let it motivate you. The main thing is to act. Now.

I have to confess that while we have had copies of both Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights in our library for years, I have read neither. I am going to correct that soon. I think that as I read them knowing just how young these authors were when they wrote them, it will really reinforce the two lessons above.

Hopefully it will motivate me to act.

How old are you at present? If older than 30, take encouragement from what these young women did at a younger age than you. If you are younger than 30, follow the Bronte’s lead. Make it happen.

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Too Many Irons in the Fire?

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warmth-fireIdeas are portable and easily shared. In a recent conversation with my friend, Coach Deborah Newkirk, I repeated the familiar refrain: “I’ve got too many irons in the fire.” This idiomatic expression comes from the days when blacksmiths had literal iron bars in literal fires. We now use it to mean “I am really busy.” Deborah shared something that her friend Dr. Jerry George said to her (see how portable ideas are?). Since I did not hear it directly from him, I will offer this as a paraphrase. I am not even sure of the context in which he said it to her, but here it is:

When you have a lot of irons in the fire, don’t be afraid to add more irons. Accept the blessing. – Dr. Jerry George

That resonates with me. Even though I do have a lot on my plate, I need to adjust my attitude a bit and remain open to new opportunities and blessings that come my way. The “too many irons” mindset can become an excuse for not doing something that matters. It may also prevent me from accepting a tremendous new opportunity.

The new approach I plan to adopt is to not be afraid of all of the irons I have heating, but rather to attend well to them while being open to even more irons. Now, not every iron is as important as the others at any given point in time. I may need to focus on some more than others at this moment, but they are all a blessing.

Having a lot of irons in the fire is a very good thing.

If you don’t believe me, just ask someone with nothing to do.

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My Dad is a Man

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miller-fordMy Dad is a man. I don’t mean he is a male — that much is obvious. I mean he is a man in the sense that he is what we call a manly man.

He was a good athlete. He hunts. He fishes. He has at least one of every power tool ever made…and he has used them all. Heck, at age 76 he still uses them all. He is an accomplished mechanic who restores vintage cars like Ford Model Ts. He welds. He mows. He chainsaws. He is a master with the smoker and grill. His brisket is still the standard by which I measure all others. What I am saying is that by every standard by which masculinity is usually measured, he is manly.

It has always been easy for me to look at him and see what a man looks like, but that is not what makes him so special. There are manly men everywhere. What makes him special is the ease with which he models both his manliness and his sensitivity. From the time I was a small child he was comfortable with hugging me and telling me he loved me. We still hug. We still affirm our love for each other. I have come to realize that not all fathers know how to do that. He is a gentle and kind man. He is a man of faith.

My grandfather died when I was five years old. I still remember him, but the memories are veiled by years and by my age at the time. So, I don’t know if he modeled this physical and verbal form of fatherhood for my Dad to see. I will find out today when I speak to him on Father’s Day. Regardless of where he learned it, Dad decided that he would tell his children that he loves them and that he would embrace them to demonstrate his love. He has been consistent with it. I am grateful for that. It helped me see that there is no contradiction between masculinity and sensitivity.

I have friends who did not have that kind of model in their father. Some of them struggle with showing affection to their children. I cannot blame them because the way we are raised has a powerful impact on how we parent. If you are one of those men who struggles with kindness, affection, and expressiveness with your children, let me challenge you to break the cycle. Find a man who does it the way you want to do it and have a conversation with him. Try it sometime with your children even though it may feel strange. You have the opportunity to start a new family tradition that you can pass along to your children and grandchildren. Boys need to see this positive practice of masculinity, and girls need to see it as well.

There are really no downsides to my Dad’s approach. I highly recommend it, and I try to practice it myself.

So, thank you, Miller Lee.

I love you.