Category Archives: Adulthood

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How To Incorporate Family Into Your Mind Map

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In our last article we helped 18 year-old John use a mind map to focus in on his plans when he is 30. We said that in this timeframe John needs to do a lot of thinking about several areas of his life: Family, Personal, and Career.

NOTE: All images will enlarge when clicked.

Now let’s examine the Family realm more closely for John when he is 30.

As with all of us, family is important to John. Like a fingerprint, each family situation is unique, and John’s is not exactly like yours or mine. Let’s lay out some facts about John’s current family situation:

  • He is single, but in a serious relationship with Robin.
  • His parents are both still living and are 55 years old. His father has had serious health problems with his heart.
  • He has an older brother named Steve who is 20 and two younger sisters Jane, age 17, and Kate, age 13.
  • 17 year-old Jane has dropped out of school and has a drug problem.

John has no crystal ball, but he knows how old they will all be if everyone is still living in twelve years. His “Family Status” at that point will include the fact that his parents will be 67 years old. His brother will be 32. He will be 30. His sisters will be 29 and 25. There is value in simply listing these ages as facts in his family status:

These facts alone will spur John into some serious thinking about what he may want to be doing in twelve years as part of this family:

  • I will be living near Mom & Dad to help with Dad’s medical needs and to support Mom.
  • Steve may have children by this time, and it is important to me to be a good uncle to my nieces and nephews. This is true even if we do not live near one another.
  • I will have contributed my love and help to Jane and will have a healthy, supportive relationship with her as an older brother. I will maintain healthy boundaries.
  • I will continue my strong relationship with Kate and assist her in whatever ways she needs me.
  • I may be an uncle to Jane and/or Kate’s children at this point. As with Steve’s, I will invest in these nieces and nephews and be a wonderful uncle to them.

In addition to family status, John wants to include his relationship with Robin. They have been dating for two years and think they want to be married. In this mind map dealing with his life at age 30, John is assuming that he and Robin have been married for eight years. In regard to Robin, John thinks the following:

  • I will be Robin’s champion to support her in her career, life, and interests.
  • I will spend quality time with her and work seriously on making our marriage great. I will invest in us.
  • We may have children by this time. I will take fatherhood seriously and will look out for the well-being of them all.

In addition to these statements of purpose with regard to his family, John might include his grandparents, in-laws, and extended family. He is tying in to his deepest values about the people he loves and determining what he hopes to be doing with these people. He is creating a narrative about what his life will look like at age 30. What will happen to these people if John makes no plan? His parents, siblings, and Robin will still be 12 years older. John will still be 30 at that time. It’s just that if he has had no plan and has not thought seriously about the family realm, he may have regrets when he gets to that stage.

In her commencement address to the Spelman College graduating class of 2012, Oprah Winfrey said:

You must have some vision for your life. Even if you don’t know the path, you have to have a direction in which you choose to go. What I learned is that that’s a great metaphor for life. You want to be in the driver’s seat on your own life because if you are not, life will drive you.

John has decided to drive his own life instead of being driven by his life. What about you?

In our next article we will focus on the realm we are calling Career.

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Today I’m 50 – Now What? Maybe Write a Book!

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I recall as a kid being really excited about birthdays. What was not to love? My friends and family made a big deal out the fact that on that date some number of years before, I made my exit from one environment into another. I was the center of attention on that day each year. There were presents, there was cash, there were games, there was singing, and best of all, there was cake. Let them eat cake! What a great thing.

At some point in my adolescence I stopped getting so excited about birthdays. As an adult I observed the annual ritual with indifference as the various milestones clicked past like so many center stripes on a long road trip.

  • At 30 I remember feeling like a “real” adult.
  • At 40 I felt like I had gained some wisdom.
  • Now that I am 50, what do I think? What am I feeling?

According to the United Nations, the average life expectancy of an American male is 75.6 years. What does this mean to me?

  • The hypochondriac in me says that there are a lot of things that will probably get me well before 75.6.
  • The optimist in me says that I will live to be 100.
  • The realist in me says that this means I only have around 25.6 years left. Unless, of course, the Mayans are right (but that’s another story).

Which will it be? I have no crystal ball, so I have no idea. I am not losing sleep over it, either.

I began this blog on July 20,2010 with an initial post on narrative. Before now I have never promoted the blog. I have told a few people about it, and a few more have stumbled upon it, but I have not sought widespread readership. In the past 20 months I have written on a variety of topics all revolving around the idea that all people should be working on a story that looks forward, into the future. I call it a Forward Story.

As I celebrate my half century on the planet today I am taking the wraps off my plan to publish my first book in 2012 entitled Forward Story. While I have been sporadically writing the blog, I have also been working on the book. In writing style the book will be specifically targeted to young people up to their mid-20s, but it will have something to say to all of us, including those 50 and above. The fact is that regardless of your age, you need to have a story for where you are headed. Writing the book Forward Story has been a part of my personal Forward Story for a while now. This is the year to launch it.

This website will be the primary place to keep informed about the book. Feel free to subscribe to the RSS feed or otherwise bookmark forwardstory.com. You can also follow us on twitter at www.twitter.com/forward_story The exact timeframe for publication is not set, but I am committed to publication before the end of the year. In the meantime, feel free to poke around the site and join in the conversation.

Regardless of how many candles you will find on your cake this year, I hope you are writing a beautiful and meaningful Forward Story. Thanks for stopping by. Come back soon.

An Update: It took a lot longer than I hoped, but the book has arrived. You can get your copy here:


Forward Story: Write the Future You Desire

 

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Vicissitudes

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Words are sometimes strange and wonderful. I am certain this is the case in every language. In the English language, one of those strange words is vicissitudes. It is not used very often. When it is, it is usually something like this:

James had great intentions to be there for his friends, but the vicissitudes of life changed all of that.

The word has come into English from French (and Latin before that) from words that mean change and alternation. There are two primary usages of the word. One is just the idea of alternating change, and that change is a natural state of things. The other usage is that often these changes that we encounter can be described as either positive or negative. Usually the word is used for negative events or changes in a person’s life. For this usage Merriam-Webster says:

a difficulty or hardship attendant on a way of life, a career, or a course of action and usually beyond one’s control

The reason this somewhat rare word came to my mind is that in recent conversations with my daughter about writing our Forward Stories, she offered the opinion that writing a Forward Story might not be practical given that events occur in our lives that we neither envision nor control.

Vicissitudes.

What I tried to convey to her is that her Forward Story must embrace these uncertainties. Which is more powerful?

  • Not writing a story because there are uncertainties ahead? or
  • Writing one that acknowledges those vicissitudes?

To refuse to plan for the future or lay out a desired story for where you are headed because you cannot see the future misses the point. The point is not to write a Forward Story that will appear accurate in hindsight. The point is to create a story that is in harmony with your ambitions and that guides you into effective actions that lead to the future you desire.

When in the process of living out your Forward Story you are confronted with vicissitudes, it is time to reevaluate your Forward Story and write a new one. Likely the new Forward Story will simply be a revision of the previous one. The revision will grapple with the new reality and plot a new path forward to achieving your ambitions.

This is the reason that we advocate a regular review and revision of your Forward Story. The masterpiece you are writing is actually the life you live as a result of having a Forward Story that is connected to who you are and what you want your life to be about. Do not let life’s vicissitudes have the final word. Adapt and move forward.

 

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The Khan Academy – A Blessing for Learners Everywhere

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My wife and I are big fans of the CBS television news magazine 60 Minutes. We think Scott Pelley and that team are talented and courageous journalists. As people committed to lifelong learning, we were very excited about last night’s feature of the Khan Academy. Started by Sal Khan to help his cousin with math, Khan Academy is making an immeasurable impact on teaching around the world. It is allowing awesome teachers like Courtney Cadwell (featured in the report) to be effective coaches of the subjects they teach.

A vital part of my Forward Story is continual learning throughout my life. I am about to turn 50, and I feel as though I am just getting started with all the learning I want to do. I have now become a member of Khan Academy and am really excited about the value I am going to produce from it. Some of it will be a refresher for me of material I learned long ago but have not reviewed in a while. This is the “use it or lose it” principle, and I think that is very important.  Some of it will be brand new learning for me.

As you create and maintain your Forward Story, look for ways for Khan Academy to assist you. If you are in middle school or high school and have a dream of attending college one day, Khan Academy is your friend. If you are a college student now and are struggling with some concept, you can find help at Khan. If you are an adult, you can reach new heights with this type of learning.

I highly recommend that you watch the 60 Minutes segment: http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=7401696n

Thank you to Sal, his team, and to those teachers and administrators who are making this work for their students. Bravo!

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Repetition & Learning

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Repetition is boring for most people. If we hear something over and over again, it gets annoying. Think of your least favorite television commercial and how you feel when it is repeated over and over again during a program or game you are watching. It can be like dripping water.

The same can be said for learning information. Once you have learned how to add 2 + 2, you are ready to move on to something more challenging. If your teacher began each lesson with how to add 2 + 2, it would become very tiring. Let’s move on to subtraction or multiplication.

For all we can say negatively about repetition, however, we have to admit it works. Advertisers know that even if you get annoyed at their ad that runs ten times during the game, chances are you will remember them when buying-time comes around. The guitar player knows that repeated practice hour after hour will lead to competence and fluidity in performance. The tennis player hits forehand after forehand after forehand. Why? Because repetition builds memory — in this case muscle-memory. Of course, it is important to repeat effective behaviors to avoid building bad habits. It is likewise important to learn accurate information in order to avoid believing what is false.

I have discovered that the more complicated a subject is, the more repetition I need in order to really get it. This is the reason medical school is not one semester long. It is the reason law school takes three years. It is the reason that becoming a master electrician is no walk in the park. Before I take a new medicine that my doctor has prescribed for me, I want to know that she really understands the anatomy of the human body, the chemistry of the drug, and why it is going to help me. I trust that she repetitively learned all she needed to learn to be competent to prescribe this medicine.

It takes patience and energy to learn via repetition. There is a biological function occurring as we learn. The brain is stashing information collected from our entire sensory system into various places for future access. The more complicated or unconventional the information, the more repetition is required. I have to give this biology time to work.

Two examples:

  • When I am learning how to effectively manage my personal finances I know that conventional wisdom will not help me. How do I know this? Most people are broke. What is “normal” is not working. To learn a more effective way of handling money requires repetition of some better way. This more effective way is not part of my cultural common sense, so I have to purposely and repetitiously learn this better way. If I stop listening to and learning the better way, I will fall back into the culture’s way, which I get through being part of the culture. As a matter of fact, the way I learned that cultural way of thinking and action about money came about through years and years of…repetition. I am only going to replace that way of doing things with something better if I use the same process — repetition. For me this means podcasts, blogs, books, and conversations with other weird people who are also repetitively learning a better way.
  • I am an American, and like many Americans I have struggled with my body weight. As with personal finances, what is normal in our culture is not what I desire. I desire to be healthy and thin. I desire to avoid the many negative health outcomes of being “normal.” How does a person break away from the cultural norm to begin eating in a different way and to get healthier? The answer is repetition. How many food messages does our culture (and agribusiness) repeat to us each day? That onslaught of information cannot be counteracted once and for all. It has to be counteracted continually and repetitively. Again, for me the repetition takes the form of books, blogs, podcasts, and conversations.

Whatever we want to learn is going to require energy. Our capacity to learn is rooted in language, which along with our large brains is our great advantage over the animal kingdom. We just have to be committed to learning the right things and be willing to put in the work required to make that knowledge an effective force in our lives. This is the reason that life-long learning should be an important part of your Forward Story and mine.

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Growing Up

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I vividly recall the first time that someone told me that I was acting immaturely and needed to grow up. I was in seventh grade, and the person who told me what I needed to hear was Nancy Smith, my yearbook staff adviser. Our junior high had one of the premiere junior high yearbooks in the country (the Cedar Bayou Bruin). Ms. Smith had built the staff into a select group of students that had been identified and chosen with the help of her teaching colleagues. Her teacher friends were always scouting for the students that had creativity and the “right stuff” for the staff. There were only four of us seventh graders selected to work alongside twice that many eighth graders. For the maturity difference between those eighth graders and me at the start, they might as well have been college seniors. They were extremely mature relative to me.

The problem was that I did not really understand what “mature” and “immature” meant. I did not know that the others were actually not laughing WITH me but AT me. Ms. Smith wanted to be sure that I understood the expectations of being on the staff and that I began to grow up so I could become a true part of the team.

It seems to me that many of us give up childhood very reluctantly. This should not be surprising because childhood is (or at least should be) carefree, fun, and joyful. Who would want to leave that? However, it the responsibility of every person who is capable of growing up to grow up. The time comes for everyone to make that step, however painful it might be.

Simply aging is not the same as growing up. We all know 35 year old adolescents. I think I have even met some 60 year old kids. What do you think when you see someone saying or doing something that is not appropriate to his age? You probably think or say that he should “Grow up.”

What does it mean to grow up?

  • Face Reality. Children live in a fantasy world, and that is appropriate for them. Their world begins “once upon a time” and ends “happily ever after.” I realize there are notable exceptions to this, with far too many children who know with certainty that this is not a happily ever after world. Part of growing up is accepting our world as it is and learning to work within the truth of our existence. When you begin to awaken to reality, you begin to leave childhood behind. There may be sadness associated with this, but it is required for adulthood.
  • Take Responsibility. There is no power in blaming everyone else for your faults and failures. The most successful people in life are those who refuse to let themselves off the hook. They refuse to blame others or make excuses. They simply recognize that they are responsible. They embrace responsibility. There is power that issues from that embrace.
  • Delay Gratification. This is one of the supreme challenges of adulthood. Because adults face reality and take responsibility, they learn to delay gratification. Children want it NOW!! Have you ever witnessed an “episode” in the grocery store where the child wanted the cookies/candy/ice cream/whatchamacallit and wanted it NOW? Adults know the truth spoken by Mick Jagger that you can’t always get what you want. A fascinating article by Pamela Druckerman in The Wall Street Journal argues that one of the reasons French parents are effective is that they teach patience and delayed gratification to their children. If I go out and buy a $100,000 car on a $30,000 salary, I have not learned delayed gratification. Patience is not easy for any of us, but it is a true characteristic of adulthood. Druckerman’s book is Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting (now with Bébé Day by Day: 100 Keys to French Parenting)
  • Dump Selfishness. To most children, the world revolves around them. We parents often observe selfishness in even very young children. If a 40 year old person carries a self-centered approach into a marriage, a job, or any other relationship, it is not going to go well. Adults care about other people. They learn to put others’ welfare above their own. They learn to sacrifice for those they love and care about.
  • Develop Vision and a Story. Children think in a very short time-frame. With our son I sometimes thought his time-frame was the next five minutes. The world of children is dominated by adults, who tell them where to be and what to do at any one time. Mom says, “It’s time to catch the bus.” The coach says, “Give me two laps.” This is appropriate for a child, but the time comes when no one is going to force you to do anything. You can do nothing if you so choose. Society will let you go and leave you to your own devices. There are real consequences to remaining a child in an adult world. Adulthood requires that you begin thinking in longer time-frames. Instead of the next five minutes, you start to think about the next year. You develop a vision for the next five years, your education, your career, your family, your retirement, and eternity. That is an adult move. When you develop a vision and a Forward Story you can begin to take actions that will lead you in the direction of that vision.

Growing up is part of life. It is painful in many ways, but the payoff is worth it. I remember being a little hurt when Ms. Smith told me I needed to grow up. I winced at the realization that those older kids were laughing at me. Thanks to her, though, I took it to heart and began to try to grow up. She prevented me from prolonging a childhood in the midst of people who were already doing their own growing up. Thanks, Nancy!