Category Archives: Adulthood

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What Will You Never Regret?

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I appreciate the fact that you are reading this blog. I desire not only to share what I have learned about life and the future, but to learn from you as well. At this time I could really use your help. I am working on a chapter in my book on regret.

Most of us have regrets over things we have done in the past or over opportunities we have missed. Sometimes this regret can be very serious and require professional help. Other times it just nags at us and ties us to the past.

Here is what I would like to know from you. Envision yourself at the end of your life. You are about to complete this journey. You look back across the years and think about all that you have done, seen, and experienced.

What are the things that at the end of your life you will never regret having done?

Please “Leave a Reply” below to share your thoughts. If you prefer, you can also leave your thoughts on our Facebook page: www.facebook.com/ForwardStory

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4 Reasons You Should Play

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© Roys | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

© Roys | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

I have a confession to make. As much as I believe what I am about to write,  I have trouble with it. From an early age I learned responsibility and felt the weight of it. I derive joy from getting things accomplished and being “successful.” The best way I know to take care of all these things is to work hard and to work well.

The problem is that I often forget to stop working and to just play. If you don’t believe me, ask my kids. In my previous post I suggested that writing and living out your Forward Story is compatible with having fun. But what is play? Why is it fun? Why is this important to us?

What we are interested in here is the action of play. Since verbs indicate action, what does the verb “play” suggest? From dictionary.com I see four definitions that fit the idea here. To play is:

  • to exercise or employ oneself in diversion, amusement, or recreation.
  • to do something in sport that is not to be taken seriously.
  • to amuse oneself; toy; trifle.
  • to take part or engage in a game.

Play does not have to be confined to physical activity like running, throwing, or jumping. It may include all of those, but it can also include doing things like playing a musical instrument, painting, sculpting, or even just reading a book or listening to music. These all fit “diversion, amusement, or recreation.”

It is valuable to play and to have fun. This is part of life. If you are always on your way to somewhere else, what is the point of life? Here are 4 reasons you should play.

1. To Relieve the Stress of Life. There was a time in my life that I was skeptical about stress. What I mean is that I wasn’t sure that it was real. Or, if was real I was annoyed by modern people complaining about stress given that life on the frontier a couple of hundred years ago must have been a lot more stressful. It seemed like a lot of whining to me. However, I was finally convinced of its reality by experiencing it in my own life.

What is stress? It is a condition where your brain responds to a situation by producing hormones like adrenaline and cortisol to heighten your ability to respond effectively. I was on a business trip yesterday driving on a busy interstate highway. I signaled to change from the right lane to the center lane. After checking my mirrors I began to change lanes. As I was completing my lane change I heard an angry horn honking and looked in my rear-view mirror to see anther vehicle on my tail and the driver clearly annoyed with me. He had switched from the left lane to the center lane at a high rate of speed at about the same time I moved into that lane. This whole event jolted me out of my mindless driving into a danger mode. I felt the change in my body. My muscles were tensed and ready to respond. My heart-rate increased. I was in a heightened mental state. I began breathing faster. This stress response is referred to as “fight or flight.” We are wired to respond to dangerous situations via this stress response. If a tiger is chasing you, you have to act now. You have to either fight him or run away. The stress response can help keep you alive.

However, prolonged and chronic stress has been proven to have negative health consequences. You may experience stress over a period of time from your job, from losing your job, from taking care of a sick family member, or in a multitude of other ways. Engaging in play reduces and relieves that stress. By throwing a football, taking a walk, or even just listening to a great piece of music, we can reduce stress and chase those hormones back to the place where we can use them in the future.

Before I leave the subject of stress, I want to share a technique that I began using a couple of months ago to relieve stress and to put myself into a very calm state. It is so simple that you may not believe it, but I encourage you to try it. I do this every night now while in bed before I go to sleep. Here is the technique:

  • Breathe in through your nose for 5 seconds (or longer) into your belly, not your chest. You should actually be able to feel your belly inflating.
  • Hold the breath for one second.
  • Exhale slowly through your mouth. Your belly will deflate.
  • Repeat this 8 times.

2. To Connect With Your Body. A hundred years ago most people in America worked on a farm. The day began when the sun rose and included milking cows, gathering eggs, feeding livestock, and many other chores that required physical labor. The day pretty much ended when the sun set. Much of what happened between sunrise and sunset required physical exertion. Today many of us live in urban settings and do work that requires sitting, talking, typing, and meetings. The pinnacle of physical activity for some of us is the walk from our desk to the coffee pot.

© Arturdent | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

© Arturdent | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

Most forms of play allow us to engage our bodies in a way that reduces stress and feels good to us. A long walk with my wife is great because not only do we get to talk and “debrief” about life, but we feel movement, use our balance, raise our heart-rates, and strengthen our muscles and bones. It is all good. Plus, it is just fun. Swinging a tennis racket is something I enjoy and that connects my mind with my body. Other activities I enjoy include disc golf and skiing. You have your own forms of play that allow you to connect your body and mind.

Again, not all play involves overt physical activity. Playing a board game with your friends or your kids has a positive effect on your life as well.

3. To Express Your Creativity and Artistry. Play, as I am defining it, includes creative endeavors like painting, playing music, writing, and many other disciplines. When we do these things we often derive pleasure and a sense of purpose about our lives. Those activities are ends in themselves. We do them because they are fun and are an expression of something deep inside of us, not because they advance our agenda or have a direct effect on our future. I believe that each of us has a creative side that longs for expression. If you have not found yours yet, I hope you will. Don’t be afraid to try some of these artistic endeavors to see what you enjoy and where you can find expression.

4. To Appreciate Beauty. We live in a world with some dark realities. All you have to do is watch your evening news to be convinced. In a world with so much negative input, it is important for us to also appreciate the beauty in life. As I have gotten older I have started appreciating nature a lot more. I have always loved natural beauty like mountains and sunsets, but now I notice the birds, the insects, and the changing of the seasons. Again, these are all things that rural farm people live with every day. In cities we have to work a little harder to see and appreciate natural beauty in the midst of a man-made world of concrete and steel. It can definitely be done, though. One way I connect with nature is by planting seeds and learning to garden. I am a novice at this, but the wonder of beauty and nature are now on my patio in containers. Beauty also exists in music and art. We said earlier that play can connect you to your own inner artist. Appreciating beauty in the arts allows you to benefit from the artistry and creativity of others. I love great music and great literature (including a growing interest in poetry).

Conclusion

Play is one of the realms of life that I include in my Forward Story. It is so important to me now that I plan for it in each different time period of my life. I believe you should, too. If you do not plan for it and make it a priority, you will likely do way too little of it.

I would love to know what kinds of play you engage in and what it does for you. Please let me know in the comments below.

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Planting Seeds for the Future

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This year I decided I needed to grow something. I have never had a garden or really any interest in gardening, but over the past year I have gotten a lot more interested in food. Though life-long city-dwellers, my wife and I have become regulars at our local farmers’ market and have completely changed the quality of food we eat. We have bought in to the “farm-to-table” movement.

So I decided to try to grow something. I wanted to start small and pick a fairly easy plant to grow for our climate. I chose jalapeno peppers. Following my regular approach to any new subject, I read a lot of information about how to grow plants in containers. I bought some organic seeds, two containers, organic potting soil, organic fertilizer, and organic compost. On May 7, 2013 for the first time in my life I planted seeds. I put five seeds in each container at about 1/4″ depth and then watered. It felt good to get my hands dirty. These hands are normally on a keyboard, so this was a different sensation. I haven’t played in the dirt much since I was a kid. Here is what my plants look like three days after planting.

Potential Jalapeno Plants

Potential Jalapeno Plants

Not much to see right? According to the seed packet, these seeds should germinate in 10-25 days.

So now I wait.

Actually, now I water and wait. If I fail to water I will be waiting for a long time. However, even if I water diligently there is nothing I can do right now to speed up the process. Nature dictates that these seeds take 10-25 days to germinate in the proper conditions.

It is hard to wait.

I remember my Grandfather Adcox making us wait on Christmas Eve (which was our family’s big gift exchange). The brightly wrapped boxes piled up under the tree were adorned with seductive bows and paper snowmen. We were bursting at the seams wanting to get at those boxes — but PawPaw had his rules. With a twinkle in his eyes, he explained that those rules had something to do with the sun setting or a certain time on the clock. Whatever it was, it was excruciating. As we waited, those packages taunted us.

We don’t like to wait.

And yet, waiting is required for most good things. We have many aphorisms and proverbs about patience and waiting:

  • A watched pot never boils.
  • Good things come to those who wait.
  • “Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.” – Jean-Jacques Rousseau
  • Rome wasn’t built in a day.

So, I am not waiting for Godot, but rather for the first green sprouts from my new pepper plants. It is hard to wait, but at least I have planted and watered. If you never plant, you will not reap. My Grandfather, who was a master gardener, would be proud of these first small steps I have taken.

Sowing and reaping is a powerful metaphor. It is a law of nature. You cannot reap if you have not planted. Even if  you have planted you will likely not reap if you do not continue watering, weeding, and providing the proper nutrition. It takes work. You have to nurse and tend the process.

What is it in your life that you want to reap? What steps should you be taking to get your seed in the ground and to help it grow? It will take patience and hope while you water and work, but in the end you should have a reward for your labors.

I will provide an update on my project in time. All I have to do now is work.

And wait.

UPDATE 5/17/2013

Today was day 10 since I planted my seeds. Today began like every other day, with me checking the containers carefully at around 7 AM for any signs of life.

Nothing.

But then I checked again after lunch, and lo and behold I saw something, ever so slight, that is green. I surprised myself by how excited I got. Take a look:

Ten Days After Planting Seeds

Ten Days After Planting Seeds

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So now, I wait again.

Don’t forget the update on 3/25/2014.

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Mind-Mapping the Nearer Term – Adding Age 25

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In our last article our 18 year-old John completed his mind map for the time-frame 12 years down the road when he is 30 years old. He put in writing in his mind map his various dreams and goals across three areas – family, career, and personal. However, there is a large gap between where John is right now at 18 and where he wants to be when he is 30. Now comes a crucial step for John. He must answer the question, “How do I get there from here?”

When we introduced John in this series we identified the time-frames that he will plan for. The exact time-frames are flexible and can be defined as John desires. The most important thing is that these time windows make sense to the person creating the mind map – in this case John. Here is the mind map we laid out for John: (all images will enlarge when clicked)

With his age 30 mind-map completed, the next time-frame for John is the next seven years. At the end of that window he will be 25 years old. This period is exactly five years before the age 30 period he has already completed. With each new time period, John has to review the plans he has already written to make sure that what he plans in this new time-frame truly enables him to accomplish what he has already written in his longer time-frames. For example:

  • Family. John wants to be living near his parents when he is 30 in order to be able to take care of them. The likelihood of that happening will depend in large part on John’s decisions by age 25. He has to make sure that this new time-frame takes location into account.
  • Career. John said that when he is 30 he will be in his 7th year of work as an engineer. In order for this to happen, John needs to have already been an engineer for two years by the time he is 25. If he were now to write that by age 25 he wants to start his first job as an engineer, there is no way he will be in his 7th year of work when he is 30. This is why he must review what he has already written.
  • Personal. Since John wants to be under 190 pounds by the time he is 30, he will want to make sure he is setting a realistic goal for his age 25 time-frame with regard to his weight and health. If he does not pay attention to his weight and instead gains weight in his early to mid twenties, John may have weight problem to deal with when he is 30.

In this way John reviews what is already planned in longer time-frames and begins to write a coherent plan for the shorter time-frames. It is important to note that John’s already completed age 30 plan is not chiseled in stone. In working on an earlier time-frame he may discover that something he has written for age 30 cannot be accomplished by that time. OR he may determine that he has been too conservative and that he can really accomplish more in that more distant period. In either case he will need to go back to age 30 and make changes so that his plan has a realistic shot of success. In this way, the entire process is really an iterative process. That is, it will likely take several iterations (or repetitions) to develop a coherent plan.

Back to Age 25

After reviewing his age 30 mind map, John will now begin writing for age 25 across all three realms. Here is the blank template for age 25 with the familiar fields to guide John in his planning.

Since John has already completed his more distant time-frame, he can more easily step back in time and create his goals:

Family

  • Family Status: Mom & Dad 62, Steve 27, Jane 24, Kate 20
  • If we are not already living near Mom & Dad, we will look for career opportunities to move closer.
  • Steve may have children by this time, and it is important to me to be a good uncle to my nieces and nephews. This is true even if we do not live near one another.
  • I will have contributed my love and help to Jane and will have a healthy, supportive relationship with her as an older brother. I will maintain healthy boundaries.
  • I will continue my strong relationship with Kate and assist her in whatever ways she needs me.
  • I may be an uncle to Jane and/or Kate’s children at this point. As with Steve’s, I will invest in these nieces and nephews and be a wonderful uncle to them.
  • Robin and I will be celebrating our third anniversary.
  • I will support her in her career, life, and interests.
  • I will spend quality time with her and work seriously on making our marriage great. I will invest in us.
  • We may have children by this time. I will take fatherhood seriously and will look out for the well-being of them all.

In reviewing his age 30 map, John notices that he failed to say anything about his in-laws in what he wrote about family. He address this now in the new time-frame by writing:

  • I will make it easy for Robin and the kids to spend time with her parents.
  • I will look for ways to help Robin’s parents.

Also, now that John has identified this oversight from the age 30 plan, he will go back to that age 30 map and add his thinking about his in-laws.

Career

  • I will be in my 2nd year of work as an engineer.
  • I will establish a reputation as a person with a strong work ethic.
  • I will cultivate relationships with engineers I admire in order to learn from them and grow my network.
  • I will look for and participate in continuing education opportunities.
  • I will earn at least $60,000 per year.
  • We will practice wise budgeting and will pay off all student loan debt.

Personal

Body/Health

  • I will keep my weight under 190 pounds.
  • I will play tennis and walk regularly.
  • I will eat a healthy diet, and continually educate myself about the latest in nutritional science.
  • I will get annual physicals from my doctor.

Fun

  • I will take guitar lessons and review the fundamentals of music.
  • I will play in at least one charity golf tournaments each year for fun and to support good causes.
  • I will hunt annually with my Dad and brother.

The World

  • I will explore various charities and volunteer my time to determine the place I am most passionate about serving.
  • I will explore the mentoring a young person through Big Brothers/Big Sisters.
  • I will financially support humanitarian relief efforts through world-class charities.
  • I will vote in local, state, and national elections as an exercise of my civic duty and of patriotic gratitude.

Spiritual

  • I will continue to learn and explore my own spiritual nature and the nature of God.
  • I will focus on my spiritual journey with my wife and grow along with her.
  • I will explore and identify a good group of people/church to belong to and to do spiritual work with.
  • I will strive to be consistent in my religious beliefs and allow them to guide my actions in work and personal life.

Here is all of this information in the mind map for age 25:

When both the age 25 and age 30 map are included, here is John’s map. Remember, this image will enlarge:

Now that we have gone through two different time-frames for John we can begin to understand the process for doing a complete mind map. I think you will agree that it is actually hard work. We have not even completed John’s plan yet for his two closest time-frames. One thing that will emerge as we look to the closer time-frames is that the specific goals will become more like tasks as he begins to realize actions he will need to take to make his longer vision a reality. In our next article we will examine how the closest time-frames will drive John’s actions.

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Getting Personal About Forward Story Through Mind Maps

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This article is part of a series that began with “Using Mind Maps to Develop Your Forward Story.” We have used fictional 18 year-old John as an example and have started building his Forward Story by using the creative tool of mind mapping. In the last article we continued looking at John in twelve years when he will be thirty, and we focused on his career realm. He defined his career ambitions in light of his commitment to his family. As a reminder of where John is so far with his age thirty mind map, here is the map with those two realms completed. (All images will enlarge when clicked).

John has set some excellent goals for when he is thirty. The statements contained in each branch feel right to John. He gets excited thinking about it. The old saying goes: “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” John wants to be a mature adult, but he also wants to have some fun. He does not want to be a dull boy. He wants to enjoy life and to live in a meaningful way. So the next realm he will think about is what we will call the Personal realm. We include in this realm body, health, fun, the world, and spirituality.

Body/Health

John knows that thirty is still young, but he wants to take care of his health so he will be able to handle all of the other goals he has already chosen for himself. If he gains a lot of weight, develops diabetes, and suffers from heart disease (like his father has), he may not be able to take care of his parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, or his wife. He  has seen this happen to other friends and family members, so he is determined to make his health a priority.  John writes the following statements:

  • I will keep my weight under 190 pounds.
  • I will exercise at least three times per week.
  • I will eat a healthy diet, and continually educate myself about the latest in nutritional science.
  • I will get annual physicals from my doctor.

For fun John really likes playing guitar. He is currently a novice, but would like to be much better in twelve years. He knows he can do it, so writes the following about guitar and other “fun” activities:

  • I will be able to play guitar for my family and friends without embarrassing myself.
  • I will play in three charity golf tournaments each year for fun and to support good causes.
  • I will hunt annually with my Dad and brother.

Also in this personal realm, John needs to think about the larger world in which he lives. He is aware of people in other places and of his responsibility as a citizen of his own country. He writes:

  • I will regularly volunteer my time to help with our local food pantry.
  • I will mentor a young person through Big Brothers/Big Sisters.
  • I will financially support humanitarian relief efforts through world-class charities.
  • I will vote in local, state, and national elections as an exercise of my civic duty and of patriotic gratitude.

Finally, John will address spirituality. He is not quite certain where his spiritual life will take him, and he has a lot of questions. John considers himself a seeker after spiritual truth, so he has some expectations that by age thirty he may have found some answers to his questions. He contents himself with the following for now:

  • I will have an understanding of my own spiritual nature and the nature of God.
  • I will continue my spiritual journey with my wife and grow along with her.
  • I will find a good group of people/church to belong to and to do spiritual work with.
  • I will strive to be consistent in my religious beliefs and allow them to guide my actions in work and personal life.

Putting all of this together into his mind map, here is what John’s personal realm looks like at age thirty:

John’s final mind map for age thirty is pretty busy. Here is what it looks like all put together:

This branch of John’s map represents a lot of hard work in thinking, visualizing, and writing. As good as this is, this is what John envisions his life looking like in twelve years. In order for this to be more than a fairly tale, he has a lot more work to do to bridge the gap between now and then. So, as a reminder, the thirty year branch is only a small part of John’s overall mind map. Here is a visual reminder of what is left to define:

In our next article we will look at the way John’s closer timeframes relate to this age thirty branch.

How do you think John’s completed branch will affect his thinking about the next few years of his life? How is it likely to impact his behavior?

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Continuing the Story with a Career Mind Map

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In our last article we added the family realm to John’s mind map in order to help him write his Forward Story. John chose to start with his family because he sincerely values his parents, siblings, and future spouse, and wants the rest of his life and plans to revolve around the obligation he feels toward them. This is really a matter of personal choice and priority. If John had a different family situation or a different commitment toward his family, he might not start with that realm. An important point to understand is that if John had not begun with family first, his mind map (and his resulting Forward Story) would likely be quite different. You must decide where to begin your thinking and planning. It will depend on what is most important to you. It will relate to your ambition.

As a reminder, here is the age 30 mind map John developed for his family priorities. (All images will enlarge when clicked).

The Career Realm

The question for John now is what kind of education, work, business, and money will he need by age 30 in order to fulfill his desires for his family? For convenience’ sake we are going to lump all of these areas into a category we call Career. Remember that John is 18 years old. He has just completed high school, and truly stands at a threshold. A big reason he is creating his Forward Story now is because he knows that his next moves will be critical to the kind of future he will have. In order to fulfill his 12 year plans for his family, John will need to be living near his parents when he is 30 or perhaps have enough financial resources to move them near him (if his father’s health really declines) or to be able to care for them from a distance. This all requires financial resources. In other words, he will need to have a job in his hometown or be making a lot of cash elsewhere.

What Does John Want to Be When He Grows Up?

There are scores of books dedicated to the subject of career choice and vocation. There are professionals who have built successful careers themselves based on helping guide people to a good career choice. What John is about to decide and write about his career is going to have sweeping implications for him. The huge question he must answer is: “What kind of career or job do I want to have?”

It is important that we not pass over this too quickly. For John this may well involve a lot of soul-searching, research, conversations with other people, and quite honestly, stress. It seems a little strange that people as young as 18 often must decide something so serious at such a young age. However, many of the more financially rewarding career tracks will require specialized education and training that John must start right away if he wants to pursue them.

A Cold Hard Economic Reality

This seems like a good place to state an obvious economic fact. The more specialized and rare a skill set you possess, the more income you can earn. The less specialized and more common a skill set you possess, the less income you can earn. For example, a lot of people can use a shovel to dig a trench. It is not that hard to learn how to do it. Because of this, trench diggers cannot earn much over minimum wage to do this job. There is a lot of competition from people who can do that. On the other hand, not very many people have the education, training, and skill to do a heart transplant. If you can successfully do heart transplants, you are going to make a lot of money. The tough part of this is that it takes a lot more time and work to become a heart transplant surgeon than it does to become a trench digger. It is not that digging trenches is not important. It is also not that there is no dignity in hard physical labor. There can be. It is just that in the law of supply and demand, there is a lot more supply of trench diggers than there are people needing trenches dug. Conversely, there are a lot more people needing heart transplants than there are heart transplant surgeons. This drives the cost up.

Given the economic facts of supply and demand, John decides that he wants to earn far more than minimum wage. He wants to get some skills and education that will enable him to earn a good income to be able to achieve his family goals. He begins to research various careers, the education required, the projections for how those careers will be needed in the future, and how much people in those careers earn. This is not a neat and tidy process for John or anyone else. It is a struggle for most people. There are a rare few that seem to know from an early age exactly what they want to do and then do it. For the rest of us, we wrestle, struggle, and come to a decision.

John’s Decision

After much time and effort, John decides that he would like to go into engineering. He is not yet sure what type of engineering he wants to study, but is content that he will figure that out once he gets to college. For now he can envision earning a good living as an engineer. The city where he grew up and where his parents live has a strong job market for engineers, so he thinks this is compatible with his family goals. With that direction set, John can proceed with his Career realm on the mind map. His 30 year-old Career realm includes:

  • I will be in my 7th year of work as an engineer.
  • I will continue establishing myself as a competent engineer.
  • I will work with an older experienced engineer who will serve as my mentor.
  • I will take advantage of continuing education opportunities to remain current.
  • I will earn at least $75,000 per year.
  • We will practice wise budgeting and investment practices to achieve our family financial goals.

Here it is in his mind map:

Please notice that John has not yet dealt with the intervening years between his current age of 18 and his age 30 plans. That is for another step. What John has written and planned so far in regard to his life at age 30 has implied certain things about the years between those two ages, but he has not explicitly dealt with it yet.

John might have chosen any number of careers, some of which would not require college or trade school. Had he chosen a different career track, the years leading up to age 30 would look different and his earning potential might be different. The critical thing to realize, however, is that John has the right and the responsibility to choose. In our next article John is going to fill out the Personal realm in his age 30 plan.

What resources have you found helpful in the areas of career choice, salary information, and personal money management?